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About the Magazine

Editor-in-Chief:
Kenneth Brosky

Managing Editor:
Stephanie Nolasco

Associate Editor:
Janell Kennedy


 

Every week, we pick a Conservative Douchebag of the Week (C.D.W.), an honor given to one special person who makes the most ridiculous, racist, hate-mongering statement and thus makes us liberals contrastingly great. Expect Anne Coulter to appear frequently.

9/16/06

 

Name: George W. Bush

Occupation: President, environmental nemesis, part-time warmonger, douchebag

Charges: Lying, misleading the nation, torturing

 

These are trying times, aren't they? In order to fight the enemy "over there" so we don't have to fight them "over here," we're forced to rely on means that the rest of the world may not agree with. Specifically, the United States needs to torture terror suspects in order to gather crucial information about the next plotted attack on U.S. soil.

Sounds like a great idea, doesn't it? But wait -- just how many days can you spend in a bright room, unable to sleep, before you crack? How many minutes can you last in a water tank designed to simulate drowning (hint: the longest anyone has lasted is two minutes)? Now ask yourself this: how long are you willing to resist torture before you TELL YOUR CAPTORS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR?

There was a time when certain Egyptian "revolutionaries" incited a peaceful overthrow of their government in favor of a more Islam-based institution. For their troubles, they were arrested and thrown in prison. While in prison, they spoke of being tortured, specifically beaten and intimidated by guard dogs (sound familiar? Cough*Guantanamo*Cough). When these men were finally released, they began to develop the justification--however flawed--necessary to kill not just innocent people, but innocent Muslims as well. A significant number of these militants became close generals in Osama bin Laden's Al-Qaeda.

President Bush held a press conference this week because he's lobbying Congress to pass a bill defining "torture" under the Geneva Conventions, specifically how the U.S. wants to define Article III. What if another country wants to define "torture" in a different light, after it has captured a U.S. soldier or agent? What if that country's definitions are completely different? How would we react? How would Bush react? He doesn't know.

 

 

Previous Douchebags:

Cyrus Nowrasteh