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H. Turnip Smith
Interviewed by H. Turnip
Smith(!)
We feel very fortunate to be able to interview a great
writer like you, Turnip. How long have you been at the writing game?
T: If you call writing a game, you'd probably call World War III a
quilting bee.
Are you saying you'd had a difficult time in moving to
the top of your profession?
T: If this is the top, where's the bottom? Let's put it this way. It
took me twenty years to earn my first five dollars. My ambition now
is to conquer my compulsion to swallow loaded hand grenades every
time a rejection arrives.
Turnip, we know you have a tendency to be facetious.
What exactly would you say is the secret of your success?
T: I make it a practice never to read my own work for fear of
ptomaine poisoning and scrupulously avoid eating raw fish.
Many of our readers have questioned whether Turnip is
your real name or a pseudonym.
T: Actually my real name was originally Bill the Rutabaga Jones. I
felt the need for something more sophisticated than that at the time
I became interested in girls. Subsequently I've come to understand
as Shakespeare once said, "A Rose by the name of Pete shall never walketh into the Hall of Fame."
We've heard rumors that you're lifestyle is rather
unique. Does that have anything to do with your development as a
writer?
T: I suppose you are referring to my tendency to drive all night in
search of fresh road kill to eat. In my opinion this has little to
do with my writing and more to do with lesions I've developed in my
colon.
We've never actually seen a photograph of you on-line,
Turnip. Is this due to modesty on your part?
T: Actually, despite my stunning wardrobe of various gaucho-boy
outfits, I'm rather camera shy due to the fact that several people
have dropped dead while photographing me.
What do you think of the practice of some horror
writers getting themselves up to look like vampire clones in their
website photographs?
T: I'm all in favor of any sort of cosmetic improvements ugly
writers can undergo to make themselves look more presentable.
As a horror writer,
who is your all-time favorite monster?
T: In the interest of not promoting her run for the presidency, I'll
give that award to her husband.
Turnip, what sort of background are you from?
T. I'd say a fairly normal Midwestern background. My parents were
serial killers with a fine sense of literary taste. My older brother
was committed to an insane asylum at fifteen after strangling a dog.
I'm proud to say he earned his GED while learning to string beads
while on the funny farm. |